Another rant…

When things goes way too smoothly, anxiety hits.

It’s like everything you’ve built so far crumbles in a second and you’re back to where you were again. The sight of your most vulnerable state irks yourself so much, yet it still haunts you every once in awhile. I kept telling myself that time will heal all, and I thought I convinced myself, but days like these you just feel the pang of negativity all over again. I always ask myself… when will this ever end?

It still hurts. It still bothers me, and I still wished I’ve never gone through those incidents. I wished I never had feelings. I keep finding things to distract myself, finding other happy thoughts and memories and focus on them to heal, I keep on trying and trying. And some days I do not try at all, thinking if I didn’t bother about it everything will go away. Sadly, that was a means of escaping.

It’s been a year. One year passed by. Yet I can’t be confident enough to tell people that I’m 100% okay now. I’m in a much happier state now yes, but I miss the old me where I was still a happy go lucky.

What can I do about myself? :”(

–

I guess.. some words are better written or typed out.

It’s been almost 2 years.

Recently I feel like I’ve learnt to be much more independent as compared to the past. I think I’ve stopped pleasing people, I’ve learnt to ignore the negative stuff, I have been trying everyday to only focus on the happy things in life. I was quite proud of where I was heading towards, slow but steady I know I’ll get there, as long as I stay strong and as long as I keep charging forward.

But some nights or rather some days, the rain just makes you feel depressed all over again. Or rather, some people just have to remind you of all the pain you went through, the painful memories that you want to forget forever like it never existed. I’ve been trying to shut myself out of this recurring nightmare, I’ve never tried harder for anything else in my life. I have never tried so hard to stay happy. I was happy, until it all came back waves after waves. Just give me a break already. I swore I would never want to get back to where I was.

I wonder how many more times I have to fall to get back up to where I belong. If this continues, I’ll rather conquer the world solo and I promise I’ll never look back. Because this hurts more than anything else in this world. It breaks people mentally.

–

On a side note, school started. Not a huge fan of the curriculum due to the self-directed online learning. I felt conned, like the school saves on SO much of the physical resources yet still charges us like any other universities whom input lecturers that are there to actually TEACH, not be facilitators and spoon-feed us the assignment so we can score well and ignore the whole classroom learning experience.

trying my best to down my expectations for way to many things ugh.

cuz being too critical makes living so ridiculously difficult.

2017

It’s January hey! New year, new me.

Finally 2016 has past, and I can’t be happier that I survived last year. It was a roller coaster ride, mostly filled with tears, sadness and heartbreaks. I’ve NEVER hated a year that much, but it was really SO bad.

Hopefully this year would be a better one because I am trying to work towards being a happier person. 2016 was a challenging year, a hell lot of questioning myself, doubting myself, hating myself, and it was just all so negative, but it made me grow so much as a person. I can say I have become a stronger person, but I still need to work on it.

2016 was also the year where I graduated with a diploma, y’know, becoming an adult that kind of stuff, more responsibilities, we all had to go through it. Well, it sucks big time. A tons of exploration and self-bashing, haha.

Whatever it is, gonna make this year a blast :,)

Life Crisis

These days I wake up to another morning, another sunrise, another typical day of self-doubting my worth. I just wake up feeling unmotivated, feeling like a dust in the corner, rotting away in my own world. Insignificant, and a shade of depressing grey.

I kept questioning myself: Why am I breathing? What’s my purpose in this world? Why do I feel so out of place in this society?

And I told myself: I want to do something productive, I want to start something fun, I want to do what I love (fashion, styling, beauty, writing etc). But I wasn’t given a chance to learn these skills in institutions, let alone a chance to work in that industry with the little to zero experience I have.

I hate office jobs. Business and IT isn’t my thing, never.

Humanities and the arts/fashion is what I live for.

I want to pursue my dream job.

But I don’t know where to start and how to start when I have NOTHING, except a passion and keen interest that doesn’t come into use when companies hire people since qualification and experiences is of top priority. Where does a fresh graduate like myself end up?

Why is it so hard to survive in a first-world country?

Sigh,,,

ok enough of ranting.

Barricade

We’ve fought for months now.
And we’re still standing here,
back at square one,
fighting over the same thing,
over and over again.

That day, I forgot which,
Crying my heart out,
perhaps I’ll feel better I thought,
perhaps I’ll go insane as well.

I remember how badly I wanted to let go,
What we once had, what we once called it love,
I was ready to sink and leave all behind,
it was a selfish move, but I was sure it’ll do us both good.

Then there he was,
begging to not make him go crazy,
tears flowing, wrists clenched,
that face of sorrow,
all I see is a reflection of myself,
desperately finding our love and happiness.

Poor souls.

Waiting for each other to heal,
yet only to find ourselves more hurt than ever,
both at the verge of giving up.

Then there’s something in my heart
Playing with my mind,
like how demons prey on your soul.

That something,
that plunges me into the deep and cold sea

That something,
that made me into a monster

That something,
that stole my smiles away, forever?

That something,
that made me hate the world, and myself.

That something,
that I can’t walk out of it, no matter how hard I try.

They call that something, a barricade.

And it exists in my heart, still.

And I fake a smile in the day,
cry myself to sleep every night,
hoping that one day I’ll heal myself with these fake smiles and buckets of tears.

Because nobody is there, you’re all alone in this world.

Will love, ever return?

I am amazed.

People VS feelings, which is scarier?

一个人的生活

每个角落里埋藏着一个人的秘密

每首歌里说着一个人的回忆与故事

每场雷雨撒着一个人的悲伤

每个微笑中显露一个人的面具

在纷繁的人群中，这些一个人的故事唯有自己听得见。

回忆只有自己回味，自己伤痛，自己后悔。

一个人，是一个选择吗？

一个人，是习惯还是快乐的凶手？

我。。。傻傻分不清楚。

Living it right

sup niggas

I’ve probably had a way-too-long hiatus but now I’m back (yassss)

A LOT HAS HAPPENED, GOOD & BAD, but mostly good 🙂 Actually I’m kinda contented with life right now (minus all the stress and deadlines of assignments, basically fuck school). But anyway, Verve– An Arts Festival at The Arts House is finally over yay! After 8 months of planning as part of the organizing team, I am officially proud to say that we have done well this batch! The festival passed by so fast that I really didn’t have much time to register. But I’m really proud of everyone, and very very thankful to those who came down to support me ❤ It was a really rewarding journey and I’ve definitely learnt a lot from everyone, thanks for creating this precious memory :>

Attended two art fairs last month, the Affordable Art Fair as well as Singapore Art Fair. Enough of art fairs for now, I’m having a big time fatigue! I was rather disappointed with AAF though, given that I’ve noticed a repeated artworks being displayed, but the emphasis on affordability of artworks is still there, so I hope it continues that way because one day I’M GONNA BUY AN ARTWORK (when I start earning stable income tee hee). Other than that, SAF was quite enjoyable in general 😉 So.. I’m basically leading life the way it is now, it is simple yet fulfilling. OH, and I started my classes at LaSalle (whoop whoop!! <3). Basically doing drawing, silkscreen, and clay making. Really enjoyable as it felt like I’m taking my O levels art all over again yup.

Besides procrastinating like a bitch, I’m just really looking forward to the end of next week because it also means that I’m going Taiwan! Then yeah Bangkok in January. I guess I really deserve that travelling break! But for now, I need to work my ass on that Exhibition Management Essay shit.

Bye for now.

Thoughts

That look in your eyes.
That back of yours walking away.
That moment of solitude,
not knowing if I should feel relief or sadness.

Words they ring in my head,
knifes in my heart they stung
As I recall that morning where it all started; the start of all misunderstandings.

Wished everything could go back to normal
Yet I’ve already tried my best.
It wouldn’t be the same again
No, it won’t.
Not anymore…

What else can I say,
Pushing people away is my forte.

Love…?

It’s probably time for me to blog about something again, cause there’s so much going on in my mind that I can’t express with just a single tweet, or going about ranting to anybody during this exam period when everyone is just busy with mugging. So much going on, yet so little courage in me to say what I wanna say. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s okay to share what I feel here in this blog. Why? Cause I don’t feel safe pouring my feelings here, yet the irony is that I need to purge all my emotions somewhere to feel better. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to people about it mainly because nobody knows the solutions to every problem, even myself. There isn’t any solution, you just move on with life. Just like that, simple. 

So I’m gonna start my purge, get the ball rolling:

I don’t have a choice. I don’t have a say in what have already been decided long ago. I just accept it, cause I know it’s now my responsibility to do a good job and make myself a stronger person. I know it’s a process, it pushes me to step out of my comfort zone. But what many don’t realize is that… it’s a difficult route to carry this sickening responsibility. I’m stuck in this position cause there’s no turning back, I’m stuck here because I took the responsibility to do what’s required, and more. I can just run away from all this, but I don’t want to because it’s against my character, I make a start and finish, I don’t want to do things halfway. It gets tough when people don’t put themselves in your shoes and feel the weight of the responsibility killing you slowly inside. They don’t feel that you’re trying your best, and you’re sacrificing things/time that’s important to you. I don’t ask for much, just people’s understanding and responsibility. Don’t expect much from me, cause I don’t want to hear expectations that I’m not keen to meet. Call me timid, but I didn’t have a say when all of this shit started. I’ll just say that I’m feeling especially disappointed with some stuffs from all the stress and pressure built up over the last few months.

Then again, there are things to be happy about. I’m spending more and more time with my family recently, and I can’t be any happier. To be honest, school have really put a strain on my relationship with my family. Everyone’s busy and we didn’t had time for one another at all. Sometimes it’s the littlest things in life that gives you bliss and happiness. I’m just cherishing all the time we’re spending together as a family. On the other hand, my bff recently got into a relationship and I’m really really happy for her :,) Perhaps I’m the only one who is still a stranger to love. Love, not the family/ friends kind of love. Sometimes I wonder if I can really love someone with all my heart.

Many of you probably won’t understand what I meant, but yeah I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I still don’t know the answer. Love is… a beautiful thing, yet a rare thing in my opinion. Many people abuses the word “love” these days and I am really skeptical about people who just say “I love you” easily to every person they meet. They say it so simply, but love is… it is a difficult thing. Or maybe it’s just me. Well, I don’t have the right to define love too. So, let’s just leave it hanging.

What’s that word again? Crude. Yes, crude. So recently, I’ve been really upset about some stuffs (well no, I’m not usually this emotional, but hey, I couldn’t confide to anybody alright). You know, some people when they speak, swords fly out from their mouth, and stabs right in your heart. Like you literally see the arrows and swords flying right into your heart. Kinda exaggerating, but you could use some imagination.

Anyway, I just don’t want to rant about it, but it hurts like a bitch especially when it’s someone close to you giving crude responses to everything you wanna share with them. Like hello, I’m sharing my moments with you cause I want to update you about life, about the changes, and the happenings around me, yet you’re adding fuel to start a fire each time. Some people say these people are just jealous of who you are, but honestly I don’t give a shit. If you’re my friend, you don’t notice these things, especially jealousy and all the negative picky shit. Friends share their happy, sad and angry moments, not take turns to sour one another. 

So with that, I shall end my post with a tint of sourness.. hope you enjoyed reading my kind of purging.