Love…?

It’s probably time for me to blog about something again, cause there’s so much going on in my mind that I can’t express with just a single tweet, or going about ranting to anybody during this exam period when everyone is just busy with mugging. So much going on, yet so little courage in me to say what I wanna say. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s okay to share what I feel here in this blog. Why? Cause I don’t feel safe pouring my feelings here, yet the irony is that I need to purge all my emotions somewhere to feel better. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to people about it mainly because nobody knows the solutions to every problem, even myself. There isn’t any solution, you just move on with life. Just like that, simple. 

So I’m gonna start my purge, get the ball rolling:

I don’t have a choice. I don’t have a say in what have already been decided long ago. I just accept it, cause I know it’s now my responsibility to do a good job and make myself a stronger person. I know it’s a process, it pushes me to step out of my comfort zone. But what many don’t realize is that… it’s a difficult route to carry this sickening responsibility. I’m stuck in this position cause there’s no turning back, I’m stuck here because I took the responsibility to do what’s required, and more. I can just run away from all this, but I don’t want to because it’s against my character, I make a start and finish, I don’t want to do things halfway. It gets tough when people don’t put themselves in your shoes and feel the weight of the responsibility killing you slowly inside. They don’t feel that you’re trying your best, and you’re sacrificing things/time that’s important to you. I don’t ask for much, just people’s understanding and responsibility. Don’t expect much from me, cause I don’t want to hear expectations that I’m not keen to meet. Call me timid, but I didn’t have a say when all of this shit started. I’ll just say that I’m feeling especially disappointed with some stuffs from all the stress and pressure built up over the last few months.

Then again, there are things to be happy about. I’m spending more and more time with my family recently, and I can’t be any happier. To be honest, school have really put a strain on my relationship with my family. Everyone’s busy and we didn’t had time for one another at all. Sometimes it’s the littlest things in life that gives you bliss and happiness. I’m just cherishing all the time we’re spending together as a family. On the other hand, my bff recently got into a relationship and I’m really really happy for her :,) Perhaps I’m the only one who is still a stranger to love. Love, not the family/ friends kind of love. Sometimes I wonder if I can really love someone with all my heart.

Many of you probably won’t understand what I meant, but yeah I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I still don’t know the answer. Love is… a beautiful thing, yet a rare thing in my opinion. Many people abuses the word “love” these days and I am really skeptical about people who just say “I love you” easily to every person they meet. They say it so simply, but love is… it is a difficult thing. Or maybe it’s just me. Well, I don’t have the right to define love too. So, let’s just leave it hanging.

What’s that word again? Crude. Yes, crude. So recently, I’ve been really upset about some stuffs (well no, I’m not usually this emotional, but hey, I couldn’t confide to anybody alright). You know, some people when they speak, swords fly out from their mouth, and stabs right in your heart. Like you literally see the arrows and swords flying right into your heart. Kinda exaggerating, but you could use some imagination.

Anyway, I just don’t want to rant about it, but it hurts like a bitch especially when it’s someone close to you giving crude responses to everything you wanna share with them. Like hello, I’m sharing my moments with you cause I want to update you about life, about the changes, and the happenings around me, yet you’re adding fuel to start a fire each time. Some people say these people are just jealous of who you are, but honestly I don’t give a shit. If you’re my friend, you don’t notice these things, especially jealousy and all the negative picky shit. Friends share their happy, sad and angry moments, not take turns to sour one another. 

So with that, I shall end my post with a tint of sourness.. hope you enjoyed reading my kind of purging.

Family, Friends and I

While taking the long bus ride home from school today I had a thought… I thought of my parents and my friends, and I realize some friends know me better than my parents. I’ve known my close friends for about what, 4 years? But my parents for 18 years and more in the future. And as much as my parents not really knowing me well, I don’t know a lot about them either and this is really sad because they only get to see the child side of me which they are way used to it while I only get to see only their parental side and not the youthful side of them. One meal out together and you sense everything. The lack of family time, the lack of smiles, the lack of communication, and love. And it’s really difficult to change this, it’s our way of life since young.

They don’t reveal to us their hardships, their stories, what’s on their mind, what’s their hobbies, even their day. I basically know nothing about it. Like I just know I’ll see them when I get home, I know they’ll watch TV and they’ll be gone the next morning when I wake up for school. And this cycle repeats itself like a vicious cycle that none of us can escape from because nobody makes the effort and even if someone did, nobody will be used to the change. I guess it all boils down to how we were brought up since young. Some parents show their affection, some don’t, and many just live each day like we’re all zombies without love, like a habit. This makes me take things for granted, relying on my parents as if they will be here with me forever. But I know they won’t physically be here with me forever, because… I don’t want to go there. I cannot imagine life without any of them.

But still you’d throw tantrums, you’d raise your voice,  you’d be rude at times. It’s like a habit that everyone do their own things in life, leaving out the compassion that is within us. The compassion to think for others, to feel what they feel, to understand them wholeheartedly. This world has become so obsessed with high education and earning money that the world is constantly in a fast pace. Majority becomes selfish and self-centered. With family and friends, you’d face disappointments in compassion more easily than anything else. How some would break you and make you realize that maybe everyone else is similar, maybe I’m the only one that empathize with people, maybe compassion no longer exists. Maybe this, maybe that.

But nowadays making more time with the family makes me happier. Although I can’t say we’re really that close based on 18 years together but still… I love them ❤

First Day of School: (not really cuz elearning)
Not a perfect start but still great! Staying optimistic let’s go~